Involves Jokes / Recent Jokes

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

You might be a redneck if...
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.
Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
You have a clawfoot bathtub.
You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.
Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
You can remember the more...

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all.

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now more...

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!!
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Have you noticed the fur?
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now, you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
11. When you stop to pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how more...