Husband Jokes / Recent Jokes

Janet was a first time contestant on the $65,000 television quiz show. So far, luck was on her side since she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She had even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Janet agreed to return the following day and was extremely nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I just have to win tomorrow," she said, "I really wish I knew what the answer is! You realize I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight and will probably look horrible tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Robert, said reassuringly. "Everything's going to be fine."
Minutes after they arrived home, Robert grabbed the car keys and started to head out the door. "Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"I have one small errand to run," Robert replied. "I should be back soon."
After an agonizing two hour more...

Every night when a husband and wife would hop into bed the husband would turn to the wife and whisper in her ear "Goodnight my mother of three"and turn around and go to sleep.The wife was sick of it.So the next night the husband crawled into bed and whispered "good night my mother of three".the wife turn around and whispered "goodnight my father of two".

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Caught in the Act:

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'

'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, by kinetic
energy, a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying
that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to more...

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.' What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked.' I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied.' Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law.' This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied.' LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law.' But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law.' I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the' LOVE DRESS' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her more...

An elderly couple returns home from a night out on the town. The husband immediately starts to pack his bags. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies,"I'm going to Bali."

"Bali?" she asks, "Why Bali?" The man says, "Simple. Every time you make love there they give you ten dollars."

The woman then immediately starts packing her bags. And her husband asks, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to Bali too."

The husband questions why she is going. She replies, "I want to see how you are going to live on twenty dollars a year!"