Honor Jokes / Recent Jokes

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

One evening after the theatre, two men were walking down Broadway when they
saw a well-dressed and attractive woman walking just ahead of them. One man
turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50 to sleep with that woman."
To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and, turning
around, said, "I'll take you up on that." She looked neat and sounded
educated so, bidding his companion goodnight, the lucky man accompanied the
young lady to her flat, where they immediately went to bed.
Next morning the man presented her with $25 and prepared to leave. But she
demanded the rest of the money and threatened, "If you don't give it to me,
I'll sue."
The man only laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those
grounds."
He was surprised to receive a summons the next day, ordering his presence in
court as a defendant in a lawsuit. When he told his lawer the details more...

A prominent young attorney died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years."
"What are you talking about?" asked the attorney. "I'm 46."
"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"
"Yes," the attorney answered.
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said' He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

(On Late Night on 6/6/89.)
Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut
lady (didn't catch the name) who caters weddings and other social
events, and has written books on the subject.
She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her:
"Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You
have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of
hors d'oeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out.
"Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would
you do?"
Dave replied, "Make sure he had adequate ventilation."

The learned judge looked down from the bench at the young man who was suing his wife for divorce.
"Your Honor," the young man said, "I just can't live with my wife anymore. She's a hobosexual."
"Just one moment," interrupted the judge. "Don't you mean homosexual?"
"No, your Honor," replied the man. "I mean ho&osexual. You see, my wife's a bum lay."