Himself Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, thatsmy wifes seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldnt find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "theyre all at the funeral."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's more...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter' T'?"

"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was more...

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!" "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. more...

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democraton my front porch and he's playing with himself.""What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on myfront porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated."Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwingsomebody!"

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for more...

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me. .. and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!