Hell Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. They once had a street called Chuck Norris Ave., but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
2. Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
3. Once, Chuck Norris lost a testicle while engaged in epic battle with Wolverine. It is more well known today as the planet Jupiter. (Chuck Norris won btw)
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his rugged good looks and incredible strength. Chuck Norris then proceeded to roundhouse kick the devil in the face and take his soul back. The devil, realizing the irony in this, admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play cards every Wednesday.
5. Chuck Norris got a perfect 1600 on his SAT by putting "violence" as the answer to every question. Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.
6. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is showing you how many seconds you have left to live.
7. Once Chuck Norris saw a news report about more...

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk!
Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
A: When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The Saudi replies, "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?" The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" Finally, the American replies, "What's 'Excuse me?'"
Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
A: A ride on lawn-mower.
Why the British more...

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a more...

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that saidSocialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So theexecutive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?""They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," theguard replied."And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?""The same exact thing," the guard answered."Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?""Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"