Hebrew Jokes / Recent Jokes

[Original Author: Richard Lederer, St Paul's School]
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an more...

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?" Replied the mother, "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the' gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna more...

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Stand by Your Mensch"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
5. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
6. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
7. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
8. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
9. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
10."You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
11."Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

-Your computer would automatically shut down on Friday evening till
Saturday night.
-On the calander it would say what time you need to light the candles.
-Your computer would alert you if there is some unkosher food in your
house.
-Instead of the optional languages: English, French or Spanish, it would
be: Yiddish (cuz Hebrew is a holy language, religious ppl don't want to
talk Hebrew unless it's for a prayer).
-Depending what time of day it is, your computer desktop wallpaper would
be the text of the prayer needed to be said at that time of day.
-The year would change in September-Rosh Hashana