Harry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?"The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, more...

Harry picks up his Viagra prescription at the pharmacy. Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home and anxiously waits for his wife to get home from work. In his excitement, he leaves the open package on the table and his parrot gobbles down all of the pills. Seeing the results and panicking, Harry grabs the parrot and sticks him in the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, Harry's Viagra kicks in just as his wife walks through the door and hours pass before he remembers the parrot. He rushes to look in the freezer, fearing the worst, but finds the bird breathing heavily, dripping with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" exclaims Harry. "You've been in there for hours, yet you're not only alive, you're sweating like crazy."
Panting, the parrot says, "Listen, pal, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?!?"

One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument.
After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, "Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong."
Harry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.
Sarah replied, "I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong."
In response, Harry shouts happily, "You're right!"

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror
pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour
zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife
dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man more...

Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"

FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong?
HARRY: I got domestic trouble.
FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl.
HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.