Great Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sean Connery has been quiet of late, having done no work in quite a while. So he decides to phone his agent and find out what sort of jobs are going. The agent says that he'll make a few enquiries, but he isn't sure that there is much call for aging Scots actors, even of Sean's stature.The next day, the agent calls back and says "Sean, I have great news. I have found you a job. It's not great, but it's a start""What ish it?" asks Sean"Its an advertisement for television. The producer is keen to meet you. You have to be there for ten-ish""Tennish?" says Sean "But I don't have a racquet"

Guitar Center annually holds a contest looking for the best drummer called The Great Drum Off. The previous year was a complete failure as they attracted undesirables with the unfortunately titled Great Beat Off.

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. .."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English more...

Aries

The Ram. Their farts are "Built Ram Tough". They may feel like Curly-Qs coming out of their asses because their farts mimic the curves of a ram's horns. They, the farts, sometimes like to butt heads with other farts. Since people born under the sign of Aries show strong leadership and like to get things started, they are always the first ones to fart while around other people. Their farts tend to be loud since they are energetic. Do you like to hear robust farts? Too shy to be the first one to fart? Get with an Aries.

Taurus

The Bull. Their farts can be very stubborn, and once released, they can stink up a space with power for very long periods of time-longer than average. Their farts just don't want to go away. Their farts can even be kinda sharp and hurt their *******s when they come out, because they are big and mimic the sharp horns of the bull. Since Taurus people love sensual pleasures, they must take care not to over-indulge and more...

What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!

THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in more...

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"
Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*... the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"
Becky replied, "The darn fool!... He's peeing in the fridge again!"