Grand Jokes / Recent Jokes
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...
Commandment 1
Marriages is made in heaven. But so are thunder and Lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married lives is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before more...
Nino's Bellisima Pizza restaurant in New York is now offering a grand pizza -- or rather -- a pizza costing a grand. Nino was quoted, "If I could only sell one it would be show how stupid the rich really are".
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people`s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster more...
Bujji's parents are in states and Bujji is with hsi grand parents. One day Bujji asked his grand father, Grandpa, let us go to Ramoji film city to day. It is expensive. Next month your dad will come. You ask him Then let me have an ice ream. You will catch cold Let us go to a movie Not now Grandpa you are a waste candidate. Grand mother murmured in the kitchen, very good my boy, I have taken 33 years to realsie the fact you have realised at the age of 5.
A Sri Lankan old lady who was living with her grand son in a village decided to send the boy to Ananda college in Colombo as he was the studious sort. Just before the holidays began she got a request from the boy to buy him a bike.
So the boy came home and noticed the new bike. Instead of doing any studies he gets up in the morning and goes out riding nearly whole day every day. When the grand ma expressed her dismay, the boy said sit down on the door step and watch. He rode round the house without holding the handle bars and said Aachchi no hands. Then he went again without peddling and said Aachchi no feet. Then he said aachchi this time no hand and no feet and started off. Now Aachchi waited for a while but no sign of the boy. So she thought that he pulled a fast one and disappeared and went round the house to have a look. Then suddenly the boy appeared from some bushes saying aachchi no teeth.