Glad Jokes / Recent Jokes
A glad went to a barber saloon to have a hair cut and quarried how many are there ahead of me. The reply was three. "Yes I am busy today, anyway I come tommorrow and went away.
The other day at the same time he visited the barber saloon and questioned how many were there ahead of him. The reply was five. again he went away saying "Good I will come tommorrow.
On the third day too he visited the barber saloon and qurried how many were there ahead of him. The answer was four. "Very good! I will come tommorrow" and went away.
The barber asked one of his employees why this glad every day coming to our barber saloon and going without taking hair cut, but merely question about the number of person ahead of him. Go behind him and watch what he is and where he goes.
After an hour later the employee returned and said the glad is going to your house.
The scene: A train compartment in Poland in the 1950`s. A young Polish peasant, a Russian soldier, a beautiful young girl and an older woman in it. The train goes through a tunnel. It`s totally dark for a moment. A kiss is heard and then the sound of a face being slapped. As the train comes out of the tunnel, the Russian soldier is rubbing his sore cheek... The old Polish woman is thinking to herself: "Serves him right! I am glad the beautiful young girl slapped him. These Russians have no shame." The young Polish woman is thinking: "What an idiot! He had a chance to kiss me and he chose to kiss the old woman. I am glad she slapped him!" The Russian soldier is thinking: "Very clever of the Polish guy to kiss the young girl and let me take the whacking." The young Polish peasant thinks: "Brilliant idea to kiss my own hand and slap the Russian on his faceÉ"
Keep this in mind when updating your resume. "Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:
* "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
* "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem. ..)
* "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.)
* "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
* "I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of more...
A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women whoin a short time were fighting over his attentions. They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupantCPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"said the raft rider in a swishy way. With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"
A friend of ours sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on the station platform.
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
"Thanks for the food and the drinks-everything was wonderful."
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
"And thank your wife, Sam-she was great," said the passenger, as the train began pulling out. "I really enjoyed sleeping with her."
Our friend was rather taken aback by this exchange and he turned to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Did I understand you to say that you enjoyed sleeping with your friend's wife?"
"Well," said the fellow passenger, "I didn't realty enjoy it. But Sam is a hell of a nice guy."
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crackAnd what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the sideI'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a more...
During a chance meeting of two old friends who had not seen each other in years, one of the men inquired about the other's wife.
"Oh, but of course, you couldn't know," said the second man sadly. "Doris has gone to heaven."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the first man, who was a bachelor. Then, realizing that this might be misunderstood, he corrected himself, saying, "I mean, I'm glad!" Then, noticing the shocked look on his friend's face, he blurted, "That is, I'm awfully surprised!"