Gift Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, more...

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying "Be Aware - Ski With Care" may sue the resort that erected the sign.
The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinner's knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cat's ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.
Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which more...

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange.

Washington Post - Invitational Challenge was to come up with terribly inappropriate Christmas gift ideas.
Honorable Mentions:
Supersoaker 9000:For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin' Tootor Doggie Dentist:Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art:Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda:Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced Play Medical Kit:Includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate:Covered lead soldiers.
Bungeroo:Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
Islamic Strip Poker:Lose a hand, lose a hand.
And the winners are:
4th Runner Up:Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm
3rd Runner Up:A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2nd Runner Up:The Duncan Yo - Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about more...

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realises that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment more...

The gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note; romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:
"I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady
I more...

Four Gents Joke
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny more...