Fence Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the
Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: more...

A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.
A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.
As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it's not. I shot it. it's mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it's mine.
The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.
The farmer said in Kansas we don't sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.
The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.
The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.
The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.
The farmer said. I get to go first. more...

A motorist gets a flat tire and pulls over to the side of the road, where he proceeds to change over to the spare. Whilst removing the wheel, he drops the wheel nuts down the gutter drain. He has a fit and starts shouting obscenities.
Just off the roadway, another guy puts his head to a steel fence and calls out to the motorist, "What's up with you?"
The motorist tells him and the guy behind the fence says, "No problem. Just remove one nut from each of the other wheels and that should get you to the service station at the next town. Just be sure to drive slowly."
The motorist exclaims, "That's a brilliant idea!"
Just then, he notices a sign above the steel grilled fence which reads, "Happy Valley Funny Farm." "How come you can come up with such a great idea," he says to the guy behind the fence, "yet you're in the looney bin?"
To which the inmate replies, "I may be mad, but I'm not stupid!"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"she says. Johnny replies, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

Santa was hunting in Bhatinda recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a pigeon he had shot. A farmer came and asked Santa what he was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this pigeon that I just shot", he replied.
"That pigeon is on my side of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer. Santa asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Santa, a famous lawyer from Ludhiana", came the reply. And if you don't let me get that pigeon, I can sue you for your farm, your tractor, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Bhatinda the only law we go by is the kicks law."
"Never heard of it," said Santa.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back more...

One day there were three men walking down the street. One was black, one was French, and one was Polish.
As they walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if they'd like to take a test to win his daughter's hand. Being game, they all said, "Why the hell not?"
"Good," the farmer said. He then explained to them that they would have to jump over a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand), and fuck his cow.
The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence, but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!
Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed, "Help! Help, mes amis!" The farmer quickly stuck his foot on the poor Frog's head.
Finally it was the Polack's turn. He jumped the fence with ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frog's slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.
The farmer, being amazed at all this, more...