Father Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his
father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad
humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm
playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh,"says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to
look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He
opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it more...

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at more...

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says,? I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I?m sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,? and then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells,? You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don?t do a single thing, do you hear me?? The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,? It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they?re paying their own way!?

A loaded mini van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and quickly began unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed off to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper was watching all of this and marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
"I have a system," the father replied. "Before we leave the house, we all have a bowl of prunes and two litres of fresh orange juice for breakfast."
"Great, but how does that encourage such great teamwork?" asked the camper.
"Well, it's a 250 mile journey," the father explained with a grin, "and no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green more...

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of more...