Fate Jokes

My fellow Armenians,
As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I
think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a
fresh, bipolar approach.
I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city,
and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans
have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need
ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.
Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie
higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their
family on the table.
That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record
is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets in Laredo".
(Music break)
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't
believe a president should be choosing more...

If you do what you have always done,
You will get what you have always gotten.

Not really a joke but I just got a fortune cookie

"You will win the respect of your pears".

Can you believe there are people who entrust their fate to a fortune cookie? Me, I take charge of my fate - I open cookie after cookie till I find a fortune I like.

Gerard Hommel was a French mountaineer. A good one. He had gone up and down Everest six times before he met his fate. And it's his death for which we'll remember him best. He died after falling off a stepladder while changing a kitchen light bulb.
Marta Espina had got through 75 years of blameless life in Buenos Aires, never putting herself in the way of trouble, when a poodle fell from a 13th floor balcony and landed on her head. When the crowd which gathered to gawp grew too large, a spectator who stepped into the road to get a better view was killed by a passing bus.
Lupe Velez was a second-string film star and former wife of Johnny Weissmuller who went for the glam suicide option. Candles, purple sheets, the lot. However, the overdose she took disagreed violently with her stomache and she rushed to the toilet/bathroom to disgorge. There she tripped, knocked herself out, and was found the next day face-down in the porcelain bowl
This theme reminds me of the recent more...

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.