Excited Jokes / Recent Jokes

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
"Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim
of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell"
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair
of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen
without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16
hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
"What's your Internet address?", "I like more...

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe more...

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is more...

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.
Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.
The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!"
So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure."
The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have more...

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on more...

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!"So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure."The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, more...

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O. K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."