Excited Jokes / Recent Jokes

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We' ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don' t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So more...

1. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. A penny saved is worthless.
4. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between “hobby” more...

When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little American Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says,' Son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land.' So, I know I am a Cherokee."

The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says,' Son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land.' So, I know I am a more...

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that more...

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have testicles. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why don't men eat more M&M's? They're too hard to peel. What do you call a man with an IQ of 50? Gifted. What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. What do men and bottles of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares!!!! What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About WomenHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything! How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know - it's never happened. Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? Because they're stupid. How are men and parking spots more...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: `Are you the owner?` The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: `We`re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?` Pharmacist: `Of course we do.` Jacob: `How about medicine for circulation?`
Pharmacist: `All kinds.` Jacob: `Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ` Pharmacist: `Definitely.` Jacob: `How about Viagra?` Pharmacist: `Of course.` Jacob: `Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?` Pharmacist: `Yes, a large variety. The works.` Jacob: `What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson`s disease?` Pharmacist: `Absolutely.` Jacob: `You sell wheelchairs and walkers?` Pharmacist: `All speeds and sizes.` Jacob says to the pharmacist: `We`d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.`

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."Now, the youngest brother was really excited. more...