Everyone Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.
The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

You Know You're From Westchester When...
You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school.
Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade.
Starbucks is a regular stop for you.
You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week
NYU is your top choice for college.
If you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
If you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
Below 1400 is a "so-so" SAT score
You claim to hate your school, but you go to all the dances and play at least one varsity sport anyway.
Even though your best friend lives a stone's throw away, you have most of your conversations with him/her on AOL or AIM.
You know you have to act tough when going to The Galleria, or else more...

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming swallow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, when the weather turned very cold, he reluctantly started to fly southwards. In a short time ice began to form on its wings and it fell to earth in a barnyard frozen still.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little swallow. The swallow thought it was the end. But the dung warmed it and defrosted its wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, it started to chirp. Just then a large torn cat came by and hearing the chirping, found out where it was coming from, clawed away the dung and swallowed the swallow.
Moral: Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him more...

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a wellbehaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager ofthe club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Directorsaid: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you letthem in?" The General Director agreed.The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Directorshouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!"Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the thirdinning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were runninghelter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone hadcalled out: "Peanuts!"

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a. m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that was O. K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night?

They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi Dad! I've got some more...

You know you're gay when:
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know more...