Employee Jokes / Recent Jokes

From: Management
To: All Employees
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity
from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone
through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your
supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.
As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in
the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemantal
program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors
took more...

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

The Layoff

Boss, to four of his employees:' 'I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go.''

Black Employee:' 'I'm a protected minority.''

Female Employee:' 'And I'm a woman.''

Oldest Employee:' 'Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin.''

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:' 'I think I might be gay...''

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad more...

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement more...

Why did the McDonalds employee stop working?
He got electrocuted.

Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new more...