Effects Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
    Department of Unusual Marketing: Johnson & Johnson has a continuing contract with a number of Web sites devoted to the stock market. When the stock market falls by at least 100 points, banner ads for the company's headache remedies appear on the sites.
    News Releases I Never Got Around to Finishing: "The recent U.S. presidential election left a number of people wondering if their vote really counts. But with GetMusic's new music video voting tool, Hot or Not, every vote matters. Launching today on GetMusic.com (www.get-music.com)... "
    Job Title of the Month: A Build-A-Bear Workshop is a retail chain that allows customers to design their very own stuffed bear. Maxine Clark is Chief Executive Bear.
    And speaking of animals, The You're Probably Not Surprised Award to rapper Snoop Dogg's new venture, a porn video called Doggystyle. While the Dogg performs in the video, he keeps his clothes on.
    Our Say What? more...

    A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin close to the groin. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

    --- Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

    ~ Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

    ~ Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of orgasm related headlines.

    ~ Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

    ~ She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

    ~ Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

    ~ The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

    ~ "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

    ~ Finally, more...

    While performing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's testicles. Determined to avoid a malpractice suit, he replaced the missing testicle with an onion.
    Several weeks later, the man returned to the doctor for his post-surgery check-up.
    "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
    "It's pretty good," the man replied, "but I've been experiencing some strange side effects."
    "What kind of side effects?" the doctor inquired nervously.
    "Well, whenever I pee, my eyes water," the man explained. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets hearburn, and any time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on."

    Pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly has been accused of hiding the side effects of the schizophrenia-treating drug Zyprexa.

    The evil side effects? Weight gain.

    That's how much we hate fat people in this country -- we don't mind if they have multiple personalities, as long as all of them can stay a size 4.

    Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
    Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
    Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
    Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight more...

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