Each Jokes / Recent Jokes

After his death, the family court judge found herself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the judge turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.

"What's your second question?"

"Well," said the judge. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the' family court judges' clock?"

The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."

Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and more...

There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. He went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell more...

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this more...

In a train compartment, there were 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turns to get erotic.

Suddenly, the young girl proposes, "If each of you give me $1. 00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet.

The girl then pulled her dress a bit to show her legs to them.

Now she says, "If each of you gentlemen give me $10. 00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're more...

There once were 2 baby animals: One is a duck and the other a skunk. As they were walking along with their parents, a car came speeding down the road. The baby skunk and duck watched in horror as their parents were run over by the car.

Now the 2 babies were orphans. They had to stay together and help each other. Soon enough they were curious and wanted to know what kind of animals they were. They asked each other to describe their looks and tell what they were.

The skunk went first and said..."Well, you have fluffy feathers, an orange bill, and you're white so you must be a duck!"

The duck was now happy because he knew what type of animal he was. It was the duck's turn to describe the skunk and tell him what he was.

The duck said... "Well you're not really black, and you're not really white, and you stink so you must be...(INSERT ETHNIC TERM HERE)!"

Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
OK, OK, I've got the paper more...

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
When I am playing the pinball machine, more...