Duh Jokes

When Don and Putty Duh met each other on the street one day, Don noticed that Putty had a terrible cold. “Have you seen a doctor about that cold? ” he asked. “No, ” said Putty, “But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor? ” Don gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and Don wasn’t sure if the cold was really better. “Did you see my doctor? ” Don inquired. “Oh, yeah, ” Putty Duh replied. “He was a really nice guy! ” “Well, did he give you something to help your cold? ” “Sure did! ” Putty answered, somewhat enthusiastically. “He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath. ” “Well, did it help? ” Don asked hesitantly. “How do I know? ” Putty Duh retorted. “I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet! ”

This week, I am at home and playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is so easy, I thought I would share it with you.

1. Make the beds. What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.

2. Pick up dog poop in yard. It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.

3. Drop your shirts off at the cleaners. Duh, I'm on vacation, I don't need them. Scratch three.

This is easy! What's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.

4. Clean out Tupperware cabinet. Uh, that's a hard one. Got it! Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5. Mop kitchen floor. The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie, go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6. Find something fun for the kids to do. That tinfoil in the microwave more...

Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)

Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.

Permanently out to lunch.

Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.

Phototrophic on a better day.

Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.

Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Playing hockey with a warped puck.

Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.

Plays pinochle with a poker deck.

Plays solitaire... for cash.

Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.

Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.

Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh…)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Phototrophic on a better day.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can’t figure out what words he’s building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire… for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid..... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing..... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm..... car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's..... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days..... more...