Drinking Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep."You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said."Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?""You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

you so ugly you entered an ugly contest and the judges said "sorry no professionals"

A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

A duck walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,"no." So the next day the duck walks into yhe bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,"No, I told you that yesterday." Then the next day the duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish.
The bartender jumps up and says,"no, I don't have any fish.One more time you ask me I'm gonna nail your flipper to the bar!" The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails.
The bartender looks at him surprisingly and says, "no." "Well,"asks the duck,"do you have any fish?"

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would more...