Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. ..
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
the assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes- if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they are all the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's no request for more...

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
Little Johnny answered, "A damn swing set in the backyard."
"Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swing set in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?"
Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying more...

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Damn!"
Bad Skydiver: "Damn!!" "Whack!!"

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you more...

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy.13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and more...

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
And finally...
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Rainy WWW

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other... The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me." The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."