Crowd Jokes / Recent Jokes

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing more...

A couple had a baby, but it was deformed, it was just a head. They judiciously took care of the head, and when it turned 21, they took it into a bar for its first drink.
They put the head up on the counter and the bartender poured a drink - smoke started to burst from the head - and then - out popped a body (it was a boy!) - the couple was so excited that they bought a round for the whole crowd in the bar - then their child took another sip - smoke again appeared - and out popped to arms - with another sip and out popped two legs - they now had a fully intact child! They were so happy that they bought another round of drinks for the crowd - and then their child took another sip and in a huge puff of smoke, he was gone - disappeared...
The couple was very upset - and the bartender uttered: well, he should have quit, while he was ahead...

Santa: Every One Tells Sardarjis Are The Greatest Fools. Banta: Now I Will Fool Other People. So Banta Took A Paper And Folded It And Saw Through It And Started Shouting Banta: Oh'my God Look I Can Watch Other Planets Through This Telescope. A Big Crowd Gathered Around Banta. Banta: Look Santa I Made So Many People Fooled. When Banta&Santa Turned They Found That The Crowd Was Full Of Sardarjis.

A football player passes a burning building, and sees a young woman and her baby hanging out the window. The football player stops and yells to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
The woman responds, "I can't throw my baby to you, I don't know you!"
"It's okay", shouts the football player, "I'm in the NFL, I can catch anything!"
The woman yells out "OK!" and drops the baby from the top floor. Just as it reaches about 50 ft. from the ground, a gust of wind grabs the baby and sends it flying. The football player chases after it, desperately stretching, trying to catch the baby.
By this time quite a crowd has gathered. The baby is falling towards the ground. Can he make it? The football player dives, and makes the catch!
The crowd goes wild!!!
The football player gets up, yells "All Right!!!", starts dancing... and spikes the "ball"!

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!"
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.
"That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel."
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE-and go ahead and have one yourself, too!"
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.
"Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,"
The man replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say."
The bartender, more...