Cousins Jokes / Recent Jokes

The most widely used language in the world has neither
name nor dictionary. It crosses the bounds of all known
dialects. I have discovered that all women of all ages
are able to speak it, and am revealing what little I
know of it to menfolk everywhere.

This secret language is a strange combination of words,
intonations, faint eyebrow-lifting and well-placed
pauses by which women can even exchange insults in
such a manner that the male thinks they are
complimenting each other.

They can make the male believe that a woman they are
discussing is their bosom friend, when in reality,
they`re ripping her to shreds.

It`s also useful to them in awkward social situations.
For example, the hostess decides that it`s time for
y`all to go home. Maybe the hostess will say

"Can`t I give you just one more drink (pause) before
(pause) you go." The man of course is ready to more...

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.- more...

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave
twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. And all five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9 ", it is presumed his Mother had an affair. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when: Your grandfather had a fig tree. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve. . . only fish. Your mom's meatballs are the best. You've been hit more...

ATTENTION: All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D. C. to visit Willy Jeff1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed. 2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks). 3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle. 4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon. 5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops. 6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't more...