Congratulations Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

    "I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person".
    "Yeah, I'd love to f! ck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!"
    "Are your parents cousins?"
    "I know cement that gets hard faster than you."
    "Your teeth are so yellow; I can't believe it's not butter."
    "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
    Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed more...

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"
    "Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."
    "How could two people as beautiful you... have such an ugly baby?"
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"
    "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    "Someday I hope to get married... but not to more...

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?" "Well Pastor, more...

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
    The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
    The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
    The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain more...

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