Claps Jokes

A poor, old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch, reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!
A Genie apears and says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years! I grant you three wishes.
The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for! She says"For my first wish, I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!"
The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly, she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the more...

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause!

An Englishman, a Texan and a Polak are lost in the Nevada desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half buried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish.
The Texan goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful women. The genie claps his hands and the Texan vanishes in a flash of light.
The Englisman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and the Englishman vanishes.
The Polak sits down and thinks about what he should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back.

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down. Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?""Well yes," the preacher says. more...