Citizen Jokes / Recent Jokes

He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
You caught him driving a stolen car with "The Club" still on.
He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of "Yo'momma" one-liners.
He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.
He claims diplomatic immunity because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U. S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah stupid! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U. S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi. . . you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"

Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini more...

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

President Barack Obama signed a joint resolution of the Senate and the House that made Casimir Pulaski an honorary citizen, 230 years after the Polish nobleman died fighting for the American colonies against the British. In a statement released today, Senator John McCain said, "It was a privilege and honor for me to fight along side this brave man."

Life of a Senior Citizen...
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed more...

there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said "first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women" and the man said "i'll drink the wiskey first" and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said "on the outside of town." so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said "wow, that was tough! now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!"