Captain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines...
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: more...

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit."That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?""Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.""Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off more...

It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during
World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent
right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on
the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down
6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese
planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says' Do Not Disturb'!"

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says' Do Not Disturb'!"

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet? To boldly go where no man has been before!

There once was a captain of a ship, and every day at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box, and what they found was a piece of paper:
"Starboard is right, port is left."