Candles Jokes / Recent Jokes

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my more...

Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that more...

Why are some married men like candles?
Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

Why are some married men like candles? Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

In medieval europe- sometime in the 1300's- there were
monastaries that made wax candles
One monotonous day, a brother monk, as he was in the process of
making his candles, began to feel a bit squeemish as he had
never been with a lady.
So the monk slipped out his pee pee and proceded to masturbate.
Many other monks witnessed what he was doing and began feeling
a tad bit squeemish themselves. Many of the fellow monks also
pulled out their wankers and proceded to giz into the wax.
Before they knew it, candle making became the newest hobby around
the monistary.
Eventually the monks were caught, and were charged with being
heretics by the inquisition- no true believer in God would ever
try to seek earthly pleasures... so all were tortured to death.
Meanwhile, the candles, that were made by the monks in the
nearby monastary, were distributed all over Europe.
It was just around that same time that a terrible more...