Butcher Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7. 98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7. 98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher your arms around me! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher left leg in, your left leg out..!Knock Knock
Who's there!
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher money where your mouth is!

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left.
The customer was really annoyed; she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the' damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said more...

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get more...

A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?
Lawyer replied: why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it!
The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog.
The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.