Breaking Jokes

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.
In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
French Lick Springs, more...

THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. They don't want to talk to you, period. No matter how difficult you think your problem is, the person who picks up the phone doesn't give a sh*t. At all.THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. I can't stress this enough. The answer to your piddly-ass problem is probably on the web or in a manual. Are you illiterate? (If you're reading this, the answer is "probably.")THOU SHALT REBOOT THY COMPUTER. According to recent poll that I just made up, 75% of all calls to tech support are solved by restarting the computer. This is the simplest, easiest way to keep from breaking the first two Commandments. SO FREAKING REBOOT OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN AND REPLACE IT WITH A FLAMING BAG OF EXCREMENT.THOU SHALT NOT FORGET THY PASSWORD. Do you know your name? Your address? Forgetting your password is like pooping your pants. Crash helmets will be distributed at the end of class, and we're breaking into your house to replace all your silverware with plastic more...

BREAKING NEWS:

Whitehouse press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the
following statement to media regarding accusation involving
impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky:

The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct
with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against
such claims.
However the President would like to state that it is possible
that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing
Republicans in order to undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was
necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some
embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he
unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper
got stuck. Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands
he found he could not get the zipper up.
He therefore, for medical more...