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Rodney Dangerfield jokes

A girl phoned me the other day and said. ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work. .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy. ... Hey buddy. ... why are you doing that for? He said. ... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning. ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed more...

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When more...

(The PBS "American Masters" series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)
Haig offered Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars. Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.
Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US. Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US. "How did he get that accent?" asked Sahl. Haig
replied, "From never listening to anybody."

Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa`s backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in more...

In a remote village of India one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to a class. He is at the' Krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: to bachcho, so kamsa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is goin to kill him. he was furious. he ordered to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning sencond one is born and kamsa thorws him off the mountain peak third one is born..
Now Ramu who is smartest puts up his hand.
Masterji (sounding nervous and confused): Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in Mahabharata and how come u have one?
Ramu Beta: Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, why the hell did he put Vasudev and Devaki in the same cell??

Editor's Note: These are, naturally, from the era of the Bush administration...

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Draft The Bush Twins

Don't Mess With Mesopotamia

War Is SO 20th Century

When Bush Comes To Shove

Brains Not Bombs

War Is A Dick Thing, Peace Is A Heart Thing

George Dubya: Weapon Of Mass Distraction

Beat The Bushes For Peace

Weapons Of Mass Destruction: Look Under The Bushes

Drop Bush, Not Bombs

Bombing For Peace Is Like F*cking For Virginity

Evolve! Work For A Non-violent Future

If War Is The Answer, We're Asking The Wrong Question

Killing Innocent People Is The Problem, Not The Solution

Save America, Spare Iraq, Make Texas Take Him Back

Real Patriots Drive Hybrids

Drop Names, Not Bombs

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

Stop Mad Cowboy Disease

George Bush more...

Andy:- Please note the GCSE's are public exams taken by 13 year olds in UK
This is an indication of the wonderful future that awaits the UK... the level of answers in GCSE exams!
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly more...