Bloody Jokes / Recent Jokes

One night, a vampire walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The next night, the vampire walked into the bar again and asked the bartender for another bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and, again, after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The third night, the vampire walked into the bar and asked for a hot cup of water. The bartender, confused, asked the vampire, "Wait, aren't vampires supposed to drink blood?"

The vampire pulled out a used tampon and replied, "I'm about to. It's tea-time."
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Q: What do you call two lesbians with their periods?

A: Finger-painting

Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?

Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, more...

May the pains of windy spasms
Ever through your stomach pass,
May you shit your bloody britches,
Every time you let a fart,


And when your completely done
And beaten to a wreck,
May you slip back through your asshole,
And break your bloody neck.

How do you know your bartender doesn't like you any more?
There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

One day, a man went into a bar, looked at the barman and ordered a double whisky. He drank it quickly and ordered another one. The barman leaned over and asked him "Are you all right mate?" and then man put down his glass and said "No, I am bloody well not! I've had the worst day of my life!!" and the barman says "Tell me about it". So the man starts his story.
"It all began when I was round this womans house, and me and her were having sex. Then I hear this noise and its her goddamn husband!! So I panic, throw my clothes on, and I jump out the window, and hang on by my fingertips!!"
"Gee" says the Barman "Thats pretty bad"
"You haven't heard the half of it!!" said the man "Next, her husband jumps in bed with her, has sex with her, and when he's finished he tosses the condom out the window and it lands of my goddamn head!!"
"Woah" says the barman "I can see why you're more...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross.".? Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not more...

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term' died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage:' In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a)' If the van's rockin' don't bother?
b) You're going home in the back of more...