Bloody Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.
    He says to his pal, "Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director, Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi".
    Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose.
    "Hey! What's that for?!"
    "You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!"
    "I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
    "Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!"
    Spielberg walks back.
    The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face.
    "What... !?!"
    "No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
    "Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"

    2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
    The friend replies, "No...Cord....fine...."
    The first friend cries out, "Well what the hell happened down there??"
    The second friends slowly replies, "What...the....hell... is a...pinata?"

    3 vampires walk into a bar and the first orders a bloody mary. Then the second orders a bloody mary too. Then the third orders a glass of hot water. The other two vampires say, "What are you thinking, a glass of water?" The third pulls out a tampon and says, "Tea time!"

    Amsterdam (AP/UPI) - While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts.
    "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
    "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
    "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless more...

    One night, a vampire walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

    The next night, the vampire walked into the bar again and asked the bartender for another bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and, again, after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

    The third night, the vampire walked into the bar and asked for a hot cup of water. The bartender, confused, asked the vampire, "Wait, aren't vampires supposed to drink blood?"

    The vampire pulled out a used tampon and replied, "I'm about to. It's tea-time."
    Q: What do you call two lesbians with their periods?

    A: Finger-painting

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