Bitter Jokes / Recent Jokes
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear
I spend 5 minutes max, fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you
I'm rational, reasonable and logical too
I know what the time more...
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend."I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enoughfor me."
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend."I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
The Victoria Bitter Prayer
Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk, when we loose to Sri Lanka again,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages, could not help with Murali's spin,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The Victoria bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stopdrinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught mehow to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, evenhow to invest in the stock market.""Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarkedhis friend."Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enough for me."
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. — Bill Hicks
Knock KnockWhos there! Bitter Bianca! Bitter Bianca who? Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!