Beans Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Soon after, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans completely overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he arrived home. So, he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home, he felt more...

You know you drink too much coffee if...
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this more...

A man named John was walking back to his house, when a stranger walked up to him and said, "I'll give you tree beans if you give me your house." But John was drunk, so he thought he said, "If you give me tree beans, I'll give you my house."
So John said, "Yes." And while he was taking out some beans, the stranger gave him three beans and ran in his house. John hollered, "WAIT! YOU HAVE TO FEED THE DOGS OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU CRAZILY!" But the stranger didn't hear him fully and replied, "Oh. Don't feed the dogs? O.k.!"
The next day the stranger came out, all torn up and came to John and said, "I want my beans back."

- No cool Nuclear Missiles to dodge

- The world did not end so now I have to go back to work

- My mother-in-law wants to move in now that our underground fortress will be unused

-The Ball on Times Square did not explode causing Dick Clark's skin to melt off to reveal his alien-reptile face

- With all the bottled water I bought, I could fill my swimming pool. Too bad I already filled my pool with canned string beans.

- I will be eating those canned string beans until Y *3* K.

Baked Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."

Big Chief, No Fart
There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.
So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.
The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.
The wiseman emerges and says, "Big Chief no Fart." The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says, "Big Chief no Fart."
The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says,"Big Chief no Fart."
The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.
At the end of the day the wiseman comes out and says... "Big Fart, no Chief!"

There once was a man who had a terrible love for baked beans. The problem was that everytime he ate them he got horrible gas.He met a wonderful woman and they fell in love. After dating for some time he asked her to marry him. She said yes but only under one condition, if he would stop eating beans. She couldn't stand the affect they made on him. Well, him loving her so much agreed.
A few years later on the man's birthday he was driving home from work early because his wife wanted to make a nice dinner for him. On his way home though the car broke down. So he called his wife from a pay phone and said he was going to be late. Well, on his way home he passed by a restaurant that was letting out the wonderful aroma of baked beans. He decided that if he had some he would be able to walk of the ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ended up ordering 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. So on his way home he was pooting and tooting the whole way there. By the time he got more...