Based Jokes / Recent Jokes

Flugg’s Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor’s course.
Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Franklin’s Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.
Freeman’s Commentary on Ginsberg’s theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg’s Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can more...

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U. S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many “Big Mac” hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany’s leading institutes.

The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald’s restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies’ relative purchasing power.

The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, “baskets” of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.

A simple alternative, now that McDonald’s has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.

“A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 more...

(CIM) The Netherlands: Doctor Huizenaas of the Rotterdam Animal Research Institute has successfully trained a cat not to eat food. His research followed an unsuccessful attempt by Professor Egon Spuunrais to achieve this same goal.
Prof Spuunrais' failed experiment was based on the use of positive reinforcement. The cat was shown food, and if it refused to eat it, the animal was rewarded by a tasty tidbit. His conclusions were widely ridiculed, predominantly for the absence of a control.
Dr Huizenaas formulated a more rigorous test based on negative reinforcement, and including a control animal which did not receive the punishment.
In the Huizenaas experiment, whenever the test animal accepted food it was struck on the head by a small steel mallet. At first, the cat's behaviour was unaffected by this, but after some adjustments to the force of the blow, it was observed that the cat became progressively less interested in the food and indeed was often seen to shake its more...

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...

50 Cent has a business-centered reality show on MTV. Some of it is based on book smarts, but most is based on common sent.

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the more...

You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". How about paying us based on the success of the project?

This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.