Barney Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
    The little girl stayed silent.
    Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
    Again, the little girl was silent.
    Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
    "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

    My friend told me these songs about Barney. I hope you like them.
    (In rhythm to I Love You)
    I hate you
    You hate me
    We're a violent family
    With a great big gun
    and a bang from me to you
    Won't you say you hate me too.
    (In rhythm to Joy To The World)
    Joy to the world
    Barney's dead
    I barbequed his head
    What happened to his body
    I flushed it down the potty
    And around and around it goes
    And around and around it
    And around and around around around it goes

    NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
    CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
    ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
    BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
    MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
    BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
    GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

    A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there."
    The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."

    "Barney gets a boner"
    "Barney's night with Madonna"
    "Barney, Beavis & Butthead"
    "Jurassic Barney"
    "Barney talks to the authorities about missing children"
    "Barney gets the lab results on those green spots"
    "Barney buys a rubber"
    "Barney barbeques the backyard gang"
    "Picking up the dino-doo"
    "Bopping baby bop"
    "Barney's favorite sailor songs"
    "Barney comes out of the closet"
    "Barney meets Godzilla"
    "Barney on a bender"
    "Barney has needs..."
    "Barney at Betty Ford"
    "Barney admits eating all the adults"
    "Barney's big purple one"
    "Barney buys a blow-up doll"
    NOTE: No one assumes responsibility for this drivel and we're not even sure where it came from (rumors are that it was left on our doorstep by a large yellow bird, who ran more...

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