Automated Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0

Ah, the things that drop into my mailbox... A fellow who manages one of the Y2K compliance projects at a major US-based multinational corporation reports the following (lightly edited to protect sources):

Apparently [a large food retail chain in Britain] with highly automated regional distribution centers was starting to receive canned goods with expiration dates running past 2000.

So, at the same time as they were receiving shipments of tinned tomatoes with shelf lives until' 05 (which were being shuffled into storage bins by their automated pallet system), their automated' expired goods' system was scanning the new stuff, thinking they had gone bad 92 years ago, pulling them, and putting them on to lorries which then took them to the dump.

[...] after trashing the' expired' tins, the automated system placed an order to the supplier to replace them.

Apparently some guy at the warehouse noticed this but didn't want to say anything more...

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow".
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."