Auction Jokes / Recent Jokes

A PARROT was up for sale at an auction. The bidding proceeded briskly, and before long a winner was announced. When he paid, the high bidder asked the auctioneer if the parrot could speak.
"Sure can," replied the auctioneer. "It was the parrot that was bidding against you."

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband: "How about the ones like mine?" Wife: "Those they gave away." Husband: "I had a dream too... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

Porn star Mary Carey unveiled plans on Tuesday to auction off her autographed, recently removed breast implants for charity.


Not to be outdone, former Jag star Catherine Bell plans to auction off her breast implants that will include a complete autobiography.

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placeda winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortunefor that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say hedoes." "I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who doyou think was bidding against you?"

Richard Gere is offering fans the chance to have a private lunch with him in an online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial, a human rights organization. Both dollars should help the organization tremendously.

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," more...

The last one is clearly the most expensive.

Most Expensive Car Wrecks The biggest loser?

#5. Bugatti Veyron. .. $1.6 Million
The Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive production car in history. Only 300 are expected to be produced, and already two have crashed. Above is the first one. The driver thought it was okay to speed at 100 mph in the rain. He only had the car for one week.

#4. 1959 Ferrari 250 GT TDF. .. $1.65 Million
This extremely rare classic car, the 1959 Ferrari 250 GT "Tour de France", crashed into a wall at the Shell Ferrari-Maserati Historic Challenge in 2003.

#3. Ferrari 250 GT Spyder. .. $10.9 Million
The record price for a 1961 250 GT California Spyder at auction was set on May 18, 2008 when a black one was sold for $10,894,900. So what is one doing buried in the sand? The unlucky owner had it stored near the beach when a Hurricane hit.

#2. Ferrari 250 GTO. .. $28.5 Million
The more...