Attention Jokes / Recent Jokes

.... Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

. ... PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

. ... Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

. .. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

. .. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing

. .... Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

. ... Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

. ..."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

. ... Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

. ... Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

. ... Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

. more...

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who`s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this more...

A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.
I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.
I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.
Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.
"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.
"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony more...