Assistant Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house!"

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he more...

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up.
The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct.
He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a more...

An attractive young buyer for a department store was having coffee with her assistant and complaining about her fiance's extraordinary sexual appetites. "I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably get worse."
"How long is he off?" the assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up, Nuts!"and the
patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down,
Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer, Nuts!" and
they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going
very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant
in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he
asked what happened.
The assistant replied, well...... everything was fine until some guy walked
by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
(Submitted by DpCFishr)

Administratrium, The New Element AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a more...

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. This is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said "Father, ever since the new assistant came over for dinner I cannot find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you more...