Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
“Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear? ”
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
“Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t, so I want my money back! ”
While the more...

Driving is not to be done while asleep.(Tennessee Dumb Laws)

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'x10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6'x8' cubicle.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prision they can work out, read books, and play vollyball in the yard much of
the day, for free, then relax in their cell.
At work, I don't have any time on my break to go to the library or gym.
In prison they get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the
clothes.
At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors
myself.
In prison a guard would lock and unlock all the more...

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked,' Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed,' Oh my God!' The preacher said,' That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question,' And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed,' Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said,' Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when more...

The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
“What’s the matter! Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed? ” he asked.
“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble, ” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights’. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘What a smooth finish’. ”
“What’s wrong with that? ” asked the driver.
The woman answered, “Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, ‘Who the hell left the garage door open’? ”

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.(South Dakota Dumb Laws)

A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house;He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse.He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall.He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay;But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray.At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said;She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed.She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head;The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed.From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck;The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck.She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as cool as a more...