Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
4. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
5. "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
6. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
7. "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"
8. "Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."
9. "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the
way I felt all term."
10. "This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses problems. We met a good friend of ours recently, the morning after his wedding, brooding over a drink in a local bar.
"What's the trouble?" we asked. "I should think you'd be the happiest man in the world today."
He shook his head sadly. "What creatures of habit we are," he said. "This morning when I rose, half asleep, without thinking, I pulled a $50 bill from my wallet and left it on the pillow."
We tried to console him and told him his wife wouldn't think anything of it.
"You don't understand," he said. "Half asleep, without thinking, she gave me twenty dollars change."

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they
rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon
making passionate love. When they were finished they fell
asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary
to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot
tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today
we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and
says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been
playing golf again, haven't you!?"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn th ing in me one more time, I'll more...

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks, "Who is our savior?" Wilma pokes him with the needle, and he yells out "JESUS!" Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is, "Who is Jesus's Father?" Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out "GOD!" and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is, "What did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?" Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells, "IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard." 9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep. 8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later." 7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it. 6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes." 5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it. 4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you." 3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank. 2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program. And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks... 1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS! Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!