Allen Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
    Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
    Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
    Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
    Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
    Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
    Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
    Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
    Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
    Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
    Saddam Hussein virusWon't let you into any of your programs
    Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
    George Michael virusRuns it's course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
    Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
    X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
    Spice Girls virusHas no real function, more...

    What's Woody Allen's only objection to having an Oriental lover?
    An hour after he fucks her, he's horny again.

    “Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead. ” - Miss Piggy
    “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ” –Sam Levinson
    “This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. ” - Gracie Allen
    “I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ” - Erma Bombeck
    “I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. ” - Joe E. Lewis
    “I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. ” - Woody more...

    What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
    - Tom Clancy
    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy."
    - Steve Martin
    "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    - Drew Carey
    "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good."
    - Woody Allen
    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    - Unknown
    "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
    - Rodney Dangerfield
    "Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
    - Dick Brandon
    "Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it"
    - Richard Feynman
    "All pop music is about sex. Rock is about more...

    Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . . " Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- more...

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