Agent Jokes / Recent Jokes
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".
The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her."The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted more...
A blonde was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for $39. She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
The travel agent grabbed her, tied her to a wooden plank and threw her into the river out back. Another blonde walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to a wooden plank and thrown into the river out back. The current was swift, so she caught up with the first blonde and they both floated together for a while.
She asked, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The first blonde said,.. . "They didn't last time."
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
---------------------------
Element: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53. 6 kg, but known to vary between 40 &
200 kg
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no know
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when
saturated in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to more...
A guy goes to a travel agent and tries to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent says that all the ships are booked up and things are very tight but he will see what he can do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phones and says he can get them on a three-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it gives you motion sickness, why do you keep doing it?"
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
>Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more more...