Advertiser Jokes / Recent Jokes

From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

25 facts of life
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force more...

In answer to an advertisement for tough outdoorsy types, for a mountaineering trip, a frail, little old man appears.
The advertiser asks him, "Well, how old are you?"
The elderly fellow says, "Ninety-two, I think."
The advertiser hesitates, decides to be polite and go along. So he asks, "And are you in good health?"
The old man says, "I have such pain from my arthritis, and bursitis, and phlebitis, you wouldn't believe it."
"And have you much mountaineering experience?"
"Ach, no! I'm scared to death of heights! Such vertigo I have."
"Have you any outdoors experience at all?"
"I get outside for five minutes, and I start sneezing my head off with my allergies."
The advertiser finally begins to lose patience with the charade and bursts out, "Look, sir, I advertised for experienced mountaineers. You're quite elderly, in a lot of discomfort, you tell me you're terrified more...