"Materials Safety Data Sheet: Woman" joke

Element
Woman
Chemical symbol
Wo
Discoverer
Adamov Eden
Atomic mass
Accepted as 53.659 kg but known to vary from 40 to 200 kg.
Occurrences
Copious quantities in urban areas.
Physical properties
Surfaces usually covered in painted film.
Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore'.
Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
Chemical properties
Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason.
Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in
alcohol.
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common uses
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be great aid to relaxation.
Very effective cleaning agent.
Tests
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
Turns green when placed near a better specimen.
Hazards
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to possess more than one sample, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into
direct contact with one another, if they do, evacuate the room
immediately and preferably do not return to the location of
exposure for about 10 years!
Highly volatile if exchanged for a newer sample.