"Manners in the USSR" joke
Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
"Who sneezed?"
Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
"Now, who sneezed?"
Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
"Now! Who sneezed??"
A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
"Um, I did, comrade."
To which Stalin replies,
"Bless you."
... and then continues his speech.
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely more...
It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train more...
Stalin is addressing the people. He announces:
Comrades, I have here a telegram from Trotsky. He states, "You were right and I was wrong. You are the true heir to Lenin. I should apologize."
From the front row a (comrade) tailor rises and calls, "Comrade more...
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."
"Yes, more...